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Well I'm trying to come back... I missed this place. I really did...

NAME: “Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile,with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.

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questions...

kinkieh has posted these questions. I have answered them. Feel free to answer these for yourself, in my comments or on your own journals.
1. Do you have a tattoo? Nope.

2. How old are you? Twenty eight.

3. Are you single or taken? Single.

4. Fish? I don't mind.

5. Do you dream in colour? Yes, but for some reason, I can never read in my dreams.

6. Ever seen a corpse? Yes.

7. Hipsters or Hillbillies? I don't mind either.

8. How did we meet? We haven't, I've just stumbled onto your LJ.

9. What's your philosophy on life and death? It happens.

10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be? A lot of things.

11. Do you trust the police? Somewhat.

12. Do you like musicals? Yes.

13. What is your fondest memory of me? Haven't had one yet.

14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? My introvertism.

15. Would you cheat ? That's no fun.

16. What are you wearing? Shorts and a t-shirt.

17. Have you ever peed in a pool? Nope.

18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to? Sure.

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? Anything under the moon and the sun.

20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair? Long.

21. What's your favourite day of the week? Friday.

22. What's your favourite colour? Blue.

23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be? I'd rather not say.

24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you? You'll find out, its fun that way.

25. What was your first impression of me? Haven't had one yet :)

26. Have you ever done drugs? Nope.

Male And Female Definitions

Wants and needs

Female-The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship
Male-Food, sex, and beer

Communication
Female-The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner
Male-Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys

Butt
Female-The body part that all clothing manufactures makes “looks bigger”
Male-The organ of mooning and farting

Commitment
Female-A desire to get married and raise a family
Male-Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend

Entertainment
Female-A good movie, concert, play or book
Male-Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges

Flatulence
Female-An embarrassing byproduct of digestion
Male-An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding

Glass Ceiling
Female-The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the top in business
Male-What would really be great since that hot babe works in the office above!

Lesbian
Female-A woman who makes love to other women
Male-A woman who has sex with other women so men can get turned on

Making love
Female-The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male-What men have to call “boinking” to get women to “boink”

Remote control
Female-A device for changing from one TV channel to another
Male-A device for scanning through all 99 channel every 2 minutes

Taste
Female-Something you do to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good
Male-Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out

Thingy
Female-Any part under a car’s hood
Male-The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

Vulnerable
Female-Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another
Male-Playing ball without a cup

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I woke up and heard the birds chirping. Somewhere, someone was stuck in traffic and very angry about it. My first breath of the morning was filled with the smell of cooking. More particularly the smell of coffee was what that made me sit up in bed. I was alone in the room as I checked the watch to see that I had only been asleep for two hours. My mouth was parched and I could still taste her cunt juices. Even on my fingers for that matter.
    I got up from bed, a patches of my own cum were dried up now, the sticky skin tingling, and I made my way towards the bathroom. The hot water felt good against my tired body. I felt drained and exhausted but the hot water made me felt refreshed. I headed towards the kitchen now, and saw her setting up the plates. She was wearing one of my shirts.
"Good morning," she greeted me, "and good morning." It took me a bit to realize that she was talking to my cock, which was now in a state of flux; not hard, but not limp, but throbbing gently.
    I ate naked, and must admit that the urge was such that I didn't notice her finish her orange juice and slip off the shirt she was wearing. I nearly jumped off my chair as I felt her mouth close around my cock. Her lips closed around my cockhead and stayed there, as she used a fist to stroke my cock. Up and down, very slowly, she used the tongue between her lips to play with the tip of my cock. It was an exquisite sensation, and my cock throbbed to its full hardness.
Stroking her hair away from her face, I could tell she was really into it. Her eyes were closed, her other hand stroking and cupping my balls.Her saliva drooled down the length of my cock, occasionally slipping back into her mouth, but some did cover my balls... her hand there made sure of that.
    I had cum three times last evening. Once she swallowed, the other went straight up her cunt, the last was over her belly and later being spread between our bellies. The first time she had sucked me off, I had finished eating her cunt for almost an hour. I'd pull her lips apart, then slide my tongue between them. The face of my tongue slithering along the lips and dipping into her cunt and out again. She sighed and moaned every time I brought the tip of my tongue to her clit. She tasted sharp, bitter, but sweet. I remember her soaking my face. She said she liked my stubble as they rubbed against the inside of her thighs. God, she was so warm there. The heat from her sex was radiating onto my face.
    The first time I came was in her mouth. It was her way of thanking me, she said afterward, wiping the cum away from her lips.
    The second time, we were fucking on the bed. We just started fucking. No foreplay, we'd had had enough of that. Grunting, thrusting, against each other, our sexes were the center of our existence. In between her gasps, and my grunts, and the creaking of the bed, I could hear the sopping and squishing noises our sexes were making. It was a language unto itself, it spoke about consummation, about desire, about something feral. I pushed myself, all the way into her, I knew it hurt her, but strangely, she liked it. Her body warned her and at the same time, it too liked it. I felt my own cum turn the walls of her cunt moister and warmer. Her sex gripped mine like a vice.
    The third time was was only a few hours ago, on the floor next to the bed. I don't remember how we had gotten there, just that her hips were bucking wildly. She wasn't bouncing, just bucking her hips, with my cock firmly trapped inside of her cunt. That was it, her hips, her swaying tits. And the sweat dripping off of her forehead, through meshed sweaty hair. I rolled over and sprayed her belly with my cum. It wasn't much, it was thin, sparse and it shot straight up between her breasts. I collapsed over her, my cum spreading between our sweaty bodies. I didn't care. Sometime in the next few minutes we made our way to the bed, from where I had just awoken.
    Back to now, and the opening of her throat contracting around my cock. A spider web of a spit trailed from her lip to my cock as she looked up at me, "There any cum left in here?" She waved my cock over her cheeks, lips, face. It made her face gleam with her own spit. I grabbed her hands, arms, and pulled her up. She didn't hesitate. Somehow, when two people have sex, they surrender to each other. I could see the surrender in her eyes as I pulled her up and she sat over my lap, her thighs over mine, toe tips grazing against the floor.
    It happened. It had to happen. It was like our sexes had minds of their own, her sex opened up, mine plunged straight into hers. Her fingernails trailed on my shoulders, I had my hands on her torso, pushing her up off my cock, and she'd push herself down back onto it. We fucked this way for a while, I could tell she was getting tired. Standing up with my still in her, I placed her on the table and pulled myself out of her.
    "You about to cum?"
    I shook my head no, "Thought you were getting tired on my cock."
    She slid off the table, stood on her toes and kissed me deeply. I could feel my cock press in to her belly, breasts pressing into my chest, nipples scrapping against my skin. In a waltz like movement, our bodies revolved around each other, her hand grabbed by cock and she started to lead me back to the bedroom. When I realized that's where we were going, I stopped her.
    "No." Her eyes widen in stark shock, begging. "I mean no, not in the bedroom." I nodded towards the sofa. She jumped on it, falling on her back, spreading her legs wide - an explicit manner. Her cunt petals gleamed at me and the sight made my cock throb.
    "Get over here and fuck me," she hissed, her hands outstretched.
    I complied, slipping on top of her, plunging straight in. Her cunt was incredibly tight and wet, pulling down on my cock as it slid in. And now, after a night of lust, we were fucking once again. Our bodies rutting against each other, speaking the language only they could understand and comprehend, to which our wits and sensibility were a hopeless slave to.
    She nibbled on my nipples as I brought my cock out and then back in again, it made her bite down on my nipple. Which made me moan. Her nails slide along my back once again, like they had last night. My mind was filled with lust as was hers.
    I pushed in my cock, after fucking her hard and fast for what seemed like forever. I held it there. Just completely still within her. I then started to gyrate my hips, grinding my skin against hers, my cock embedded in her. We kissed, passionately, tongues slipping into each other's mouth. We were joined from both ends, completely each others. Our bodies in true unity.
    Her breath increased as my pubic bone constantly rubbed against her clit. In truth, mine had too since her cunt was constantly clamping down and releasing my cock. I lost the will of control and started to fuck her again, cumming within her cunt. She promptly followed, her hand on my ass, begging me to fuck her as she came.
    Then nothing.
    It was a while before I realized that I had collapsed on top her and we had both dazed off. My cock was still hard, strangely. And still within her. She was snoring softly, rolling her over me, sliding my arm around her back, I too surrendered to slumber.
    The last thing I heard was her, telling me that I'd better make some lunch soon.